Staying Alive / Am Leben Bleiben / Permanecendo Vivo / Mantenerse con Vida

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I do not value money because I never worked hard to earn it. I always take my situtiona and my position in life for granted. I do not know the concept of earning your keeps.

I live as a worry-free, happy-go-lucky guy throughout my life. I do not care what the future holds for me, I live for immediate gratification. I live for the moment, and could care less what will happen five, ten years from now. I want to have fun and that is the core of my existence.

I love playing games because I am decent at it. It seems like it is the only thing I can be proud of. There may be no practical use for being good at a game but it is a great booster for me.

I did not try hard in school to set myself up for university or a career. Life was filled with excuses and lies, to manipulate those around me to get what I wanted without remorse. I lied to my friends and family for sport. I stole money from my family.

And now, in the present day, the accumulation of my carelessness and reckless abandon has left me lost, undisciplined and immature. While everyone grew up and slowly became adults, I stayed in the past as an adolescent and refused to look forward.

The pain did not start only a few years ago. It has been growing ever since. The pain of constant anxiety about the future, the realization of my complete and utterly embarrassing ignorance of the World, the sleepless nights where all my flaws exposed themselves without mercy.

There are many times where I feel physiological pain. I feel as if my heart physically aches. It gets harder to breathe and even the thought of social interaction makes me tired. I start becoming anti-social and always want to be alone.

I consume videos, articles, and books to find out how to improve my life and stop thoughts from bringing me down. I feel relieved and motivated at times, thinking that I can change my life.

But no matter how much self-help content I consume, I am not changing in any way. I only grow more arrogant and condescending, thinking I am enlightened because I know random facts about productivity and names of philosophers who thought deep thoughts.

Maybe there are religions or philosophies out there which help you, but I am going to tell you what has helped me. Meditation helps you realize that you have millions of thoughts going on inside your mind, and how difficult it is to actively focus on one thought for even two seconds.

I meditate every morning right after I wake up, and I feel much better and awake. It helps to start the the day with a win, that I am not losing to the person I was yesterday.

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